Ask Alex : Pressure to have children
Lifestyle May 10, 2020
Hey Alex!
I recently got married. My husband and I had been dating for 5 years prior to marriage but we both decided to wait until we graduated college to take the plunge. Since we’ve been married, both of our parents have been pushing for us to have children. They are light hearted about it and say everything in a joking way but we are starting to feel the pressure.
We had talked before we got married about having children and we both want them, but are trying to wait until we become more established in our careers and our lives. I know our parents won’t be around forever and I would really regret them not having the joy of having grandchildren if we wait too long. Are we being selfish by waiting to have children?
Sincerely,
Feeling Rushed
Hey Rushed!
Thank you for asking this question. This is a common issue that a lot of young couples face, feeling the pressure by parents to produce those “grand babies”.
It sounds like you and your husband have a clear picture of the future you want to have together, and as much as you love your parents and he loves his, this is your life together and your new family you are forming, so take your time and live the life you want.
I understand regret, and if any of your parents were to go before the two of you decide to have a child, there would be a regret that they didn’t get to meet their grandchildren. But this regret will be there no matter when they pass. If your child happens to be fifteen when they go, you’ll regret that they didn’t get to see their grandchild drive or graduate high school. If older, you will regret that they didn’t get to see their grandchild get married or meet their great-grandchildren. This is just part of the living experience, so don’t let these feelings dictate your path, especially on such an important life-changing decision.
From your letter, I get the feeling that you have a good, close relationship with your parents and your husband has the same connection with his. This would mean that you are your parents’ first love and deep down they would never want you to do something that would make you unhappy or make it to where you end up not living your life to the fullest.
You should have a conversation with them and let them know your plans. Based on what you’ve said, I would think they would be completely supportive of your decision.
The bottom line is, that this is your life and you need to take care of yourself and do things at your own pace. Are you doing what makes you happy and makes the most sense for your own well being?
Sincerely,
Alex
You can check out more of Alex’s advice by clicking here: Ask Alex : New Neighbors
If you enjoy reading Alex’s advice, send in your questions or situations to [email protected]. Each week, Alex will answer a new question or provide some friendly advice on issues we deal with every day. Whether it’s serious, fun, interesting, or you’re just stuck, send in your questions to Ask Alex for a little bit of outside perspective on life.
Ask Alex : New Neighbors
Lifestyle May 3, 2020
Hey Alex!
I have noticed someone building a new home on my street. Construction has been going on a while now. Maybe I have watched too much old tv, but I really want to maybe bake something and take it over to “welcome” them to the neighborhood.
Granted I don’t live in any sort of cul de sac or gated community. Our houses on my street are not close by like some communities. I’ve seen people out walking their dog during the shelter order and we wave and are polite, but it’s not like there has been a ton of previous action like what I want to do.
My husband says it might be too forward or annoying, but I really want to do it. What do you think? Is this sort of thing too “old fashioned,” or would it be a nice surprise for someone new?
Sincerely,
New Neighbor
Hey New Neighbor!
Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes! Bake that pie, make that casserole, pot an iris from your garden and head over there to meet that neighbor! So much is lost in today’s world of technology and one of the most important aspects that we have lost is human connection.
Growing up, it is likely that you knew all of your neighbors. Children played together, the adults knew each other and there was a real sense of community on each street. It is just as likely now, that you don’t know all of your neighbors or many at all.
With the introduction of the internet and of course social media, we have grown comfortable in keeping to ourselves and have tricked ourselves into thinking that we are still connected. Nothing can replace the bond that comes with person to person contact.
An email will never be able to replace a handwritten letter. “Liking” a person’s photo of their child’s winning game will never replace listening to the proud parent share a recap of the victory over the phone.
So go over there and make that connection. Work to keep the connection alive, too. Not only will it make your new neighbor feel like they are welcome and belong, but it will make you feel like a part of the community as well. Who knows, you might be introducing yourself to your next lifelong friendship.
Sincerely,
Alex
You can check out more of Alex’s advice by clicking here : Ask Alex : My Boss Is Too Uptight
If you enjoy reading Alex’s advice, send in your questions or situations to [email protected]. Each week, Alex will answer a new question or provide some friendly advice on issues we deal with every day. Whether it’s serious, fun, interesting, or you’re just stuck, send in your questions to Ask Alex for a little bit of outside perspective on life.
Ask Alex : My Boss Is Too Uptight
Lifestyle April 26, 2020
Hey Alex,
I have worked at my current job for over 8 months and this past week I was late for a 3rd time. All three times that I have been late have been under ten minutes and this last time I was only 4 minutes late! My boss flipped out on me and wrote me up! I feel like my boss is too uptight. How do I explain to my boss that people are late from time to time and that 5 minutes isn’t a big deal? It’s not like I am being paid for the 5 minutes I wasn’t there.
Sincerely,
A Little Late
Hey A Little Late,
The key word here is BOSS. You don’t explain anything to your boss about how the company runs. That is why they are your boss and they have the authority. If you truly feel your boss is too uptight and this makes an unpleasant working environment, it is simple, you find another job that is more relaxed.
I actually ran into this same issue when I was a manager and had a young employee who started running 5 or 10 minutes late from time to time. The employee was excellent beyond this issue, but being late is being late. I will give you the advice that, as a manager, I gave the employee.
You were not hired to be paid for the time you feel like working. You were hired to fill a specific time period that the business needs you present. You will likely have many jobs in your life and some bosses will absolutely not tolerate tardiness, so it is best to get in a different mindset early on.
Five minutes early is on time. This doesn’t just go for work, but also for appointments or even plans with friends. Your time is valuable, it is something that can never be replaced, so by the same token everyone else’s time is just as valuable. Wasting someone’s time by simply being late is robbing them of the most valuable asset in their life.
As far as work goes, always remember that no one is irreplaceable. If you value your position, show that you do. Being on time is one of the most important ways that you can express maturity and dependability.
Sincerely,
Alex
You can check out more of Alex’s advice by clicking here : Ask Alex : “Big” City Move
If you enjoy reading Alex’s advice, send in your questions or situations to [email protected]. Each week, Alex will answer a new question or provide some friendly advice on issues we deal with every day. Whether it’s serious, fun, interesting, or you’re just stuck, send in your questions to Ask Alex for a little bit of outside perspective on life.
Ask Alex : “Big” City Move
Lifestyle April 12, 2020
Hey Alex,
I’m feeling lost. I recently moved to a “big” city for a job opportunity, and even though I am surrounded by a ton of people I am feeling alone. I’ve been here for about a year and I’ve made some really good friends, but I am missing the feeling of family from living in a small town. Is this going to pass? Should I go ahead and start making a plan to move back home?
Sincerely,
Small Town
Hey Small Town,
What you are feeling is completely normal, it’s usually about a year or so after a move when the newness and the excitement of adventure wear off. At this point you start evaluating what you want versus what you have.
To be honest, I can’t tell you if your home sickness will pass or if you should just start packing up now, but I can give you some things to think about that might help your decision.
First, beyond the job opportunity, what attracted you to your current location? If it was just the job, then it’s likely that you will never feel at home, but if it was more than that, then you need to ask yourself, is what I wanted still here? Perhaps, a music scene enticed you, maybe it was the thought of stores being open past 9 p.m. Are those things still there and do you still enjoy them?
Next you need to look at what you are missing. Was your hometown as great as you remember it or are you romanticizing that environment because you are feeling lonely?
The truth is your hometown and the big city are both going to be there, so I feel there is no reason to rush your decision and whatever decision you make, in this case, it can be reversed. Take time to yourself to really think about your future and what is most important going forward. Which location will provide you with what you value most in life?
Sincerely,
Alex
You can check out last week’s Ask Alex by clicking the link Ask Alex : What’s In A Name?
If you enjoy reading Alex’s advice, send in your questions or situations to [email protected]. Each week, Alex will answer a new question or provide some friendly advice on issues we deal with every day. Whether it’s serious, fun, interesting, or you’re just stuck, send in your questions to Ask Alex for a little bit of outside perspective on life.
Ask Alex : What’s in a name?
Lifestyle April 5, 2020
Hey Alex,
There is a guy at work that is nice. He’s not for me, but he often goes out of his way to say nice things to people and uses little names for coworkers. Not just women, I’ve paid attention to notice he compliments everyone. From simple things like “Nice tie, handsome” to some of the guys to “Thanks for your help today, beautiful” to some of the girls.
A few times, I’ve really needed it and it brightened my day. One specific example was a presentation I thought was awful but he said, “great job, Shakespeare.”
I’ve told a friend about him, and she thinks the compliments are nice, but the names are too far. I think it’s fun and he hasn’t done anything physical to make it awkward. Plus, he does it to everyone.
I know I enjoy it, and I’m not looking for what to do, but my question is, who do you agree with? Are the names too much? Or is she being too sensitive?
Sincerely,
Nicknamed
Hey Nicknamed,
Well, I know the politically correct answer that I should give, but this is an opinion article, so I’m siding with you.
If no one in your company has complained (which is a shocker in this day and age) then I would say no harm, no foul. This person, according to your observations, hasn’t crossed the line with anyone and that points to it just being a friendly part of their personality.
I feel that society as a whole has become a little too sensitive. We have all been programmed to be offended, but even with that being said, you should still keep in mind that what is appropriate for you may not be for others.
Be sure to be vigilant of your co-workers and make sure that the fun banter does not cross the line into possible passive aggression. Not everyone is able to speak up if they truly are offended or hurt.
It sounds like you enjoy your workspace, so keep on enjoying it as long as it isn’t causing harm to you or your coworkers. And tell your friend, Sensitive Sally, that not everyone in life has ill intent, sometimes it’s best to just sit back and accept people for who they are.
Sincerely,
Alex
If you enjoy reading Alex’s advice, send in your questions or situations to [email protected]. Each week, Alex will answer a new question or provide some friendly advice on issues we deal with every day. Whether it’s serious, fun, interesting, or you’re just stuck, send in your questions to Ask Alex for a little bit of outside perspective on life.
You can check out last week’s Ask Alex by Clicking Here – Ask Alex : Am I In Too Deep?
Ask Alex : Am I in too deep?
Lifestyle March 29, 2020
Hey Alex,
I have an addiction, but it is not drugs or alcohol or anything illegal. It is a huge part of my life, and I feel great when I am doing this hobby. I am not a very social person, and I have a small group of friends that join me regularly in this hobby. It is not ruining my life, I have a job and all, but I have had a relationship or two ruined over the years because I am so dedicated to this hobby. Am I really in too deep, or am I just overreacting?
Sincerely,
Need Direction
Hey Direction,
This is an issue that so many people deal with and everyone at some point has to decide to what extent they want to continue with their passion. I don’t feel that you are overreacting or that you are in too deep, but merely at a point of self reflection.
Your hobby isn’t ruining your life based on your own account, but it is ruining an aspect of your life that you feel like you need. You are going to need to find balance to have both, and this balance is going to come in one of two ways.
The first would be to start limiting your time with your hobby before looking for a relationship. Get into a pattern of “OK, I am only going to devote this much time to my interest in a week”. Be upfront with a potential significant other about the time you set aside for yourself, and stick to it. This way there are no expectations that aren’t being met down the road; your new love will know going into the relationship that “this is their hobby time”.
The other option of course is to find someone that is as passionate about your hobby as you are. In this day and age, with the use of the internet, our world is a lot larger, and finding someone with your interests is easier than ever. Perhaps if this person is out there, you wouldn’t have to modify at all, and grow a relationship based on mutual interests.
Sincerely,
Alex
Click Here to read last week’s Ask Alex : When did I cross the line?
If you enjoy reading Alex’s advice, send in your questions or situations to [email protected]. Each week, Alex will answer a new question or provide some friendly advice on issues we deal with every day. Whether it’s serious, fun, interesting, or you’re just stuck, send in your questions to Ask Alex for a little bit of outside perspective on life.
Ask Alex : When did I cross the line
Lifestyle March 22, 2020
Hey Alex,
I am a huge extrovert and I have a need for attention. It may be a flaw, but it is who I am. However, I can’t really read people and I don’t know when I am overdoing it. How do normal people regulate themselves to know when they are being fun or funny, and when they just become obnoxious?
Sincerely,
I am who I am
Hey I am who I am,
First, I would address why do you really need this attention? Usually when a person over compensates in one aspect of their life, they are trying to make up for something that is lacking in another area. So before just sticking to the claim “it is who I am”, see if there is something that you are missing specifically that would be able to fill this need for attention. We are all constantly growing and changing after all, and it never hurts to look inward.
Next, I’m assuming that you are writing to me because your need for attention has stepped on a few toes and you have received a few negative reactions to your behavior. I applaud you for seeing that this is something on your end and not just everyone else’s problem.
The truth is there is no set social cues and there are no normal people. Yes, some are better at reading body language and vibes than others, but we all, at some point, will cross that line to obnoxious. The difference is whether you yourself are willing to make changes to correct the obnoxious behavior.
When you get a negative response because of your behavior take note, whether mentally or writing it down. See if there is a pattern to what is that you are doing that is bothering people and then self-reflect. Is that behavior or trait an important enough piece of your personality to hang on to it?
We are all maturing and never stop. Don’t accept “it’s just who I am”. We can all be better versions of ourselves.
Sincerely,
Alex