Hey Alex!

This year will mark 20 years of marriage. I have one child that is somewhat grown. She will be 18 this year. The problem I’m having is that I am gay. I’ve always known this but when I got married, being gay was not socially acceptable. I’ve never cheated on my wife but it is something that I struggle with. Recently I met a man that made me realize I no longer want to live a lie. I don’t want to devastate my wife or my daughter but I need to be free and my biggest fear is losing them all together. I want them both to always be a part of my life. How do I tell them? 

Sincerely,

In The Closet

Hey In The Closet!

The only way to tell them is to be completely honest. You can’t control how they react but you can control how you react to their reactions.

I would definitely recommend telling your wife first and do it in private with no chance of interruption. Be honest with her about your feelings, not only about being gay but also about your feelings for her and your fear of loss. Be prepared for her to react. More than likely she is going to feel hurt and betrayed. At the same time, don’t be totally shocked if she tells you she kind of knew all along. There really is no predicting how a person will take news of this magnitude.

You and your wife will need to process everything together and come up with a game plan on how to tell your child. Preferably the two of you will be able to tell your daughter together but you also need to come up with your own game plan to tell your daughter alone in case your wife does not want to approach it as a team.

Just remember, you have no control over how your wife or your daughter is going to react to your news but just like they have to accept your news, you will have to accept their reactions. All you can do is be honest and let the cards fall where they may.

Sincerely,

Alex

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